Fortunately, I have a very loving and gracious husband who never saw my body for the way I saw it during my postpartum: unattractive and disgusting. He has always seen the beauty in me and has continually spoken beauty over me. ‘I was so nervous to have sex. I was 3 months postpartum. We booked a hotel for our first night away since the triplets were born.’
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On our first night away post-babies, I realized a lot about intimacy. I sat in the bath tub and cried so hard with Ryan by my side. He affirmed me and told how much he loved me, how beautiful I was. He also told me he was worried about my depression and anxiety and that he would be by my side to see me through. Little did I know that was the kind of intimacy we needed that night, a deep level of connection. Ryan’s compassion, love, and grace over this night we shared together was exactly what I needed.
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Sex after childbirth may not be amazing and it’s okay. Maybe it was amazing for you, but I can only speak from my own experiences. It takes time for your body to heal. And I think intimacy is about creating closeness together whether that is physical, emotionally or spiritually. It’s about being intentional about intimate moments together. Yes, sexual intimacy is important; but sometimes this kind of moments, the deep level of connection, honesty, and truth are the kind of intimacy your relationship really needs.”
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“Shortly after we got married, Brian told me he was really thinking about joining the service. We had always talked about his career path being in some sort of service, but to me it was just a fantasy. My father was in the Navy until he was medically discharged, so growing up American Pride has always run through my blood. The flag, the anthem, and any service member has always sent chills up my spine and tears down my face. I admired their sacrifice and looked up to their wives, but never had any desires to be one of them.
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That calling was something I thought I didn’t have in me. That was until my now husband couldn’t stop talking about feeling pulled in the direction of becoming a soldier. I could see how passionate he was about it, so we took the next steps and got all our information. Then – we found ourselves pregnant. Something we was clearly not planning during our first year of marriage and knowing we would be spending time apart while he attended training. But families all over the world do it, so we continued on.
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We decided to do the genetic testing to find out the gender before Brian left for training. He would be gone a total of 8 months. But early on in my pregnancy I had placenta privea and went into pre-term labor. Bleeding, contractions, dilating. All of it. But they refused to ‘artificially preserve’ my baby’s life because my screening came back possible for Down syndrome. They ended up not being sure if it was a false positive because of my compromised placenta, or if I did in fact have a baby with Down syndrome.
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Bed rest followed until I was about 20ish weeks pregnant. I bled most, if not all, of this time. Brian had left for the next 8 months at this point. Because of the positive screening, they ran extra tests. My NT ultrasound came back normal, no markers for Down syndrome. My anatomy scan came back normal other than a small focal point. Had I not done the genetic test, they would have dismissed it as a soft marker. To be safe, I was sent to a specialist at USC Hospital. I was first briefed by a very cold and robotic genetic counselor. I was made aware of my options, and repeatedly asked to do further testing to get a concrete diagnosis before it was ‘too late.’ A CVS and an Amnio. I declined. Then I saw the fetal heart specialist. I wish I could remember his name, but I will forever remember his face.
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As I laid on that cold hospital bed in that dark ultrasound room, shaking from nerves, he approached my case with absolutely no care in the world. ‘Now, you’re farther along than normal gestation for an amnio, but if you’re worried, we can do an emergency procedure and I can rush your results so you have time…” We had not even done the ultrasound at this point. I declined again. He began the vaginal ultrasound. Now, I can’t read anything on those things, but I immediately knew something was wrong. With my basic knowledge of the human body, I knew both halves of the heart should be very similar in size. Adaline’s were not. One was significantly smaller than the other. As if it was just not going to develop. I instantly started crying.
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