I went to my aunt’s house and just cried. How could someone I loved so much be so mean to me? My father in law (his stepdad) had come over to the house and calmed me down and convinced me to go back to the house. I eventually went back and he apologized. Looking back now, that apology meant nothing because he had gone out that night and got drunk. He came home and woke me up by trying to sleep next to me on a twin sized bed. The next morning while I was showering, he left the house. He returned to duty and I stayed with his parents to have the baby. Days before the baby was born, his sister calls me into his room to show me how he was still cheating. That was the last straw for me and I called him and let him know that I knew, and I no longer wanted our marriage.
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The baby wasn’t due until late September 2010. I went into labor on September 13. The anniversary of my grandfathers’ death. My daughter was born 2:42 a.m. on September 14. After a few months, I visited my family in Texas and then flew back to North Carolina to be with him. I was going to keep trying because I made a vow to him and to God. We struggled to feed the baby, we didn’t have money and we were always late with rent. We were constantly borrowing money from his dad or his mom just for diapers and formula. Valentine’s Day was the day that everything broke apart. My life was crushed and I didn’t think I would survive. I had been with the baby all day by myself, I needed a break. I needed to shower. I just needed a few minutes to myself. I was already dealing with postpartum depression. He had a ‘surprise’ for me in the kitchen and didn’t want me to go in there, but the baby needed a bottle. So I went to get her a bottle.
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As I was walking back, I heard him yell at the baby, and something shattered. He had thrown her bottle at the mirror because she wouldn’t calm down. I had lost my mind when I saw that. I got dressed and calmed her down and everything went downhill from there. He tried to shatter a plate over her head. I had pinned him to the wall and began punching him. While he was outside waiting for the sheriff’s that he called, I was inside wondering what was going on. Something wasn’t right with me, so I took a pregnancy test – it was positive. I ran out to tell him as the sheriffs were pulling in. I spoke to the sheriffs and I was told he would be pressing charges. Meanwhile, I am the one being abused. My house had holes in it, I had black and blue bruises, the door had been kicked in and I was being told nothing could be done unless they see it first hand. I was stuck with no way out.
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A couple of weeks later, I left. At 3 a.m. I packed a bag and I left. My friend’s dad had gotten me a plane ticket on stand by. He took me to the airport and kissed me and told me he hoped I made the right decision. I was 3 months pregnant with a 6-month-old in tow. No one in my family or friends knew what I was going through and I intended to keep it that way.
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Going through my pregnancy was so hard. I moved in with my family in Texas and began working as a waitress. My last appointment, my doctor wasn’t able to get my baby to move. I had to go see a specialist and was being told, ‘Here are your papers, you need to go down to labor and delivery NOW. DO NOT GO HOME, DO NOT PACK A BAG! Your baby has a bigger chance of being stillborn than she does of being alive.’ I was so emotional. My dad, sister, and daughter Jordyn were with me at the appointment. They dropped me off at labor and delivery and went to get me a bag and my mom. I was alone for a few hours and all I could think was, ‘My baby is not going to make it, and if she does, she is only 35 weeks. She would have so many complications.’ I was hysterical. I knew I couldn’t live without her. All I could do was look up and pray.
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I told God I would do whatever I needed to just to make sure my baby is alive and healthy. I was induced at 3 p.m. and a lot of the time it was touch and go. It was either me or her and they couldn’t stabilize us. Finally at 8:51 a.m. my baby was born. No sound. It was so quiet you can hear a pin drop. All you saw were nurses shuffling around. All I thought was that my baby had died. Finally, after the most excruciating few minutes, which felt like hours, my baby cried. She cried, I cried. My little baby was alive. The experience gave me a new outlook on my marriage. Nothing I could do was fixing my marriage. My last and final straw was when I had found out he was in a relationship with another woman. I finally filed for divorce. It had taken such a long time. My divorce got finalized, and I couldn’t be happier.
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I had been going to a masseuse for a few months to cope with all the stress. During my massage, I was sexually assaulted. I was so fearful of filing a police report because I didn’t know what would happen. I was paranoid, I was hurt, I felt disgusting. I didn’t want anyone to touch me or to tell anyone. I finally reached out to my best friend and a close friend of mine who is a police officer. I had a sane/forensic exam done and I didn’t file a report. During the exam I felt so violated again.
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Every snap of the camera, every time the flash went off, it was like him touching me all over again. After a few days, I filed a police report because my best friend kept pushing me too. Months and months of therapy and finally my case goes to the Grand Jury just to be told he did not get indicted. I was so heartbroken. I had been going through so much and then to be hit with news like that just shattered me even more. I hated him and I hated myself for wanting to get a massage. I blamed God for the longest time. I felt that God had let me down. Everything I did for others, and the person I am, I figured God would protect me and I felt completely and totally let down.
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A few months later I started dating for the first time in 5 years. I was so excited because I knew I would be spending the rest of my life with him. After about a year we moved in together, and a few months after that, my divorce was finally finalized. My ex had terminated his rights. I was so super excited! Finally, after 5 years, my kids are mine. No more abuse! I made the decision to take my kids out of a broken home and find someone who wanted to be a father to them. We dated for 3 years before the relationship came to a complete halt. After a year of living together, I find out that my girls were being molested by my ex. I was in shock. How can a grown man molest a 6 and 7-year-old? These kids looked up to you and loved you. It was emotional and again I questioned God. He was arrested the same day I reported it. 9 days later on my birthday, CPS came in and took my girls.
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They didn’t just take my girls, they took my life, my heart, and my soul. I had been the only parent they knew for their whole lives and they were taken. All I ever have done was protect them, care for them and love them. I broke down and had an anxiety attack. My anxiety had taken over my whole life. I stopped eating, stopped going out, got fired from my job. My life had flipped upside-down in just a few weeks. I spent 46 days without my little girls. I was only able to see them for an hour a week. My heart was shattered. I thought I had hit the lowest part of my life with everything else that had happened to me. At that point, I decided to turn my negative into a positive.
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