When he finally emerged from our daughters’ room, he asked me to sit down because he had something to give me. I pretended to read the letter while he watched; feeling proud of myself that I got to control this moment. Once I was done pretending to read, I said, ‘I would like to read you something now.’ I proceeded to read the email he had written to his lover. From there, things got messy. I kicked him out after a huge argument filled with expletives. I felt like my entire past had been rewritten. All of the questions now had answers. Just not the answers I wanted.
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I called my mom, who lived in Florida. She consoled me like she had done my entire life. She reminded me how amazing I am and that he was a fool to let me go. She assured me that everything was going to be ok. I was always the strong and steady one in my family; the one that never asked for help. Until now. ‘Mom, I need you to come out here. I can’t do this alone. I need you here with me.’ My mom said that she wasn’t feeling well and was getting over the flu but assured me that she would be on the next flight out to California as soon as she was better. I felt relieved. She would be better soon, and she would be here.
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The next morning, I woke up to a banging on my door. Who the heck would show up at 7 am? I rushed to answer it before the noise woke up my kids. As I opened the door, I saw my mother-in-law. Great, I really didn’t want to start my day discussing the explosion of my marriage with her. But instead of saying anything she just handed me her phone. It was my sister. ‘Hello? Carrie, Mom wasn’t feeling well last night and said she couldn’t breathe so she went to the hospital. She had a heart attack while she was there. She died, Carrie’. I had her repeat it several times because I just couldn’t understand what she was saying. ‘Mom died? How could she die? I just spoke to her.’ She was supposed to come to California. She was supposed to help me. She can’t die. She promised she would be here.
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From there, life became a blur. I flew home and arranged for her burial. I was a walking zombie, unable to comprehend what just happened. When I arrived back home, things got worse. My husband wanted to see the kids and started taking them every weekend. I was left alone, with no one, for the first time in 12 years. I didn’t know how to come to terms with the fact that in the span of 5 days, I had lost the two most important people in my life, my husband and my mother. I felt completely broken, like a shell of a person. I just wanted to go home. After all, I had a house that I could live in since my mother’s passing. My family had a business I could work until I found something more suitable. I had a family that I could depend on if I needed help. It seemed like the most logical plan of action. Unfortunately, my soon-to-be ex-husband did not agree, and a giant custody battle ensued.
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As our divorce progressed, a giant custody battle ensued. The most surprising and hurtful thing was the realization that my ex no longer loved me. I mean, he admitted it in the letter he gave me, but I thought he would have some regret. I thought he would be compassionate and remorseful. I thought he would sacrifice some of his money for his new-found happiness. But I really saw how little he cared about me when it came to the division of assets. He wanted what was entitled to him and more. And I saw how little I meant to him.
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When people talk about hitting rock bottom, I now know what that feels like. When it seems that life will never have meaning or happiness. When the clouds around you are so thick that light cannot shine through and becomes an afterthought. I didn’t know how I would make it. I just tried to get through the day without bursting in tears. I failed on most days. And while I blubbered around in a pool of tears, I started talking to people. With work, kids and husband, I didn’t have any close friends. But when you need something, life has a way of delivering. And somehow, I found myself surrounded by women who were willing to listen to me. They let me cry endlessly on their shoulders. They defended me when I thought everything was my fault. They reminded me of my worth and value, even though I rolled my eyes when they said it. They were there for me and I was finally allowing them to see me in all of my brokenness.
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I wish I could say that I had some secret solution that ended my pain, but life just isn’t that easy. I kept pushing forward, stumbling my way through this new life I was leading. I tried to occupy my time with outings with friends where I would continue my blubbering cryfest. On one occasion, as I was recounting the unfortunate events of my life to one of my friends, she offered me an opportunity. ‘Why don’t you audition for this new workout program I created? I can’t promise you that you will get cast but it is worth a shot?’ said Autumn Calabrese. ‘Ok,’ I said, thinking that no one would cast me in such a thing. I went to the audition and I cried because that is what my life consisted of at that moment. I told the producers how I felt empty and ashamed of myself. I told them that I had zero confidence because it was stripped away in my marriage and its dissolution. I told them that I wanted to feel better, not just look better. And as I left, I thought to myself, ‘Man, you really blew that one’. The next day, they offered me the job.
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So, the next four months I was forced to focus on myself and it was uncomfortable and painful at times. I showed up on set, five days a week and I worked out. It was the hardest workout I have ever done. In addition to the workouts, they gave me an eating program to follow which consisted of lots of veggies, some protein, fruit, and healthy fats. What it didn’t consist of was all of the things that I thought would make me feel better like alcohol, sweets and my ultimate favorite, cereal.
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But as the days passed by, I began to transform from the inside out. The program wasn’t just a workout to me. It was a way to prove to myself that I was valuable, that I could do hard things, that I was worthy of success. I started to feel better about myself. I started to feel confident again. Then my body started to do things; I saw my first two pack abs, I noticed that I actually had built a butt. My work was building things that I never thought would be possible. It was a valuable lesson; if I could make my body do things that I never thought would be possible, what else could I do that I didn’t think was possible?
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This opened a door of possibilities for me. I started thinking of all of the things I wanted to do that I had been scared. I started dating, I went places by myself, I tried new things. The feeling was exhilarating. Was I scared? Of course! But the feeling of accomplishment and pride far surpassed any fears or doubts I had. I took charge of my life; I finalized my divorce and agreed to stay in California for the sake of my girls, I got my real estate license because I always wanted to but never had the guts and I sold my own house in a matter of days.
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