I paid for the years of confusion. I took on every label given to me and fought like hell to believe I was lovable. I always ended up empty handed, until it all came together. Until all of the abuse from my childhood and teen years, and walking the tightrope of tension to believe I was one of the most awful, secretive people on the planet, became clear. Until my 32-year-old self was able to maturely, confidently say for the first time, ‘I was molested.’ Those words came in the form of an afterthought from a nervous breakdown.
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For the next six years I fought a battle with severe CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I had mastered disguise and chose success and sex addiction as the two anchors to keep me grounded. Both were uprooted, and for the first time, I was face to face with my pain, like I never had been before. In 2010, I had my first EMDR treatment. I moved into the trauma and prolonged denial about the amount of abuse that had been done (pre and post Chuck) and got honest, fast.
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It has been a painful, yet beautiful journey of recovery. After finishing nine EMDR intensives over the course of six years, I was able to get closure from the sexual abuse and trauma. Not long after, I came out, and refocused what the rest of my life would look like. The sexual abuse, and deep roots of religion, robbed my ability to explore sexuality in a healthy way. My heaviest days are behind me. I have undergone 23 years of therapy. I am still going and probably always will. But I am going due to a desire for stability, rather than a desperate need for a quick fix to make the pain go away.
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