Audra was all alone. She called 911 and was told to perform CPR. She tried to save her, but it was too late. She cradled her in her arms, ‘Please Courtney, don’t leave me.’ She rocked with her motionless body, praying and pleading for help. When the EMTs arrived, they made her leave as they tried to work on her. But it was all too late. She had passed hours before due to an Adrenal Crisis, a serious complication of Addison’s disease, which Court had. All Audra could think about was that she wanted to die, so she could be with her sister again.
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Audra has said many times, ‘when Court died, I died.’ Being twins was all she ever knew. There were no warnings, no goodbyes. Court had no idea it was her last day on earth. None of us did. Audra was Court’s other half. They were identical twins who spent their entire lives together. Her heart was ripped and shredded.
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I will always regret not being there for both my girls that morning. I went to work not knowing my daughter died in her room, all alone. When I got the call from Audra I went into autopilot. I called a friend to be with Audra until I could get there. The worst was calling her father and sister, Kailee, and telling them to get home, that it was Court and it was not good.
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Courtney had spent years feeling unwell, being misdiagnosed, and searching for answers. She had many symptoms, including dizziness, joint pain, fatigue, low blood pressure, stomach issues, and constant anxiety. Nothing seemed to help. Eventually, she found a wellness doctor who ordered a blood test and discovered that she had a rare autoimmune disease. It was October of 2015 when she was diagnosed with Addison’s disease.
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Today, we have joined the Addison’s support group to try and spread awareness wherever and whenever we can. Later on, we found out that the symbol for Addison’s disease is a blue butterfly. We were blown away by this information. Right after Court died, they seemed to be appearing everywhere. In the form of gifts, murals on buildings, paperwork. It became quite clear to us that it was more than just a coincidence.
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Before Court died, she insisted we watch a movie called The Shack. When we finally sat down to watch it, we spotted the blue butterflies. When both of her cousins when away on vacation in different locations, they both ended up settling down near a building with a huge blue butterfly painted on them. To this day, blue butterflies still keep showing up. We feel it’s a sign from Court; she’s around and wants to spread awareness about Addison’s.
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Watching Audra live her life without her twin is so hard. I grieve for both of my daughters. But Audra’s strength is so inspiring. She has found solace in The Twinless Twin site, a wonderful support group online for individuals who have lost their twin. She has made many friends and the support is overwhelming. They all share a common bond and are able to share the feelings that only twins could understand.
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We are all devastated by the loss of Court. Life as we know it ceased that morning. Audra struggles every day to live as a singleton. Court was her other half, her best friend and soul mate. She will forever have that image of her lifeless sister in her head. It haunts her every day that she didn’t know her sister was in trouble.
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In one dream, Court told Audra that they were going to be aunts. She said that their sister Kailee was going to have a baby girl. Unbeknownst to anyone, Kailee had just found out that she was pregnant, but was keeping it quiet until her third month. We were shocked, but even more shocked to learn that it was indeed a girl.
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I want her mark to live on and never fade. She was here, she was real. I have so much emptiness inside of me. I am a warrior by nature, strong, always getting up after being knocked down. I beat cancer twice. I’m tough. But this has completely carved a hole so deep that I will never be able to fill it. I think of her all day and every night. I miss her with every fiber of my being. A voice in my head always reminds me that Court is gone. My daughter is dead. Losing a child is the worst pain. Nothing compares. They say grief, like love, lasts forever. I will grieve my Court until my last breath. I will continue to pray that I see her again.
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On the morning of her wake, we were looking through pictures and some of Court’s old drawings. As I turned the page of one of the books, out fell a poem that Court wrote in high school. It stopped me in my tracks. Did she mean for me to find it? I read it at her wake. The message is beautiful. Many have asked for copies. Our Courtney truly was a gift and was loved by many. I feel that every blue butterfly we come upon is a wink from Court saying that she’s still here, but flying free with the angels.”
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“I was 35 years old, single, at the height of my career making six figures, living in a gorgeous apartment in downtown Memphis, and projecting nothing but success outwardly. At that point, I had been drinking daily for nearly two years and with a couple of failed attempts of going a day without a drink, I accepted my fate – I would just be an alcoholic, but as long as I was successful and everything appeared ok, then it would be fine! I mean, there are lots of people in the world that drink daily or even in excess and manage perfectly fine lives, right?!?
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Once my inner most being accepted the fact that I was in fact an alcoholic, then what was left of my spirit and soul began to cave in. Crumble. It’s like I had finally given myself full permission to hate myself the way I always knew I had. It was an excuse to treat myself like the worthless piece of garbage I had always thought I was. I grew up in a suburb of Memphis with my parents and two other loving siblings, went to great schools, was president of my class through high school, delivered a speech to thousands at my high school graduation commencement, was voted “most involved,” and outwardly had it all together. But for as long as I can remember, I never FELT a part of, like truly felt it deep in my soul, felt like I belonged. My head knew I was a part of it, but my heart always thought it was a lie, always felt that I didn’t deserve the good people and things in my life. I always felt like I was living someone else’s life and one day everyone would figure out what a weak, disgusting person I was and leave – they’d realize I was a sham, a shell of the person I pretended to be.
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