As an adult I tend to think of this as the ‘passive’ abuse. Not because it didn’t harm me but because it didn’t progress from looking to touching that I am aware of. The more ‘active’ abuse started when I was 10. My mom was pregnant with his daughter at the time. It started out as ‘the talk’. But it was hands on. He touched me and made me touch him. I remember my legs shaking and being extremely uncomfortable. I remember feeling dirty and wanting to crawl in a hole and die.
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“I’m not sure how old I was when it started. I remember waking up in the middle of the night. The blanket would be pushed down and he’d be lifting the hem of my panties up. Just looking at me. I would be frozen in fear. I’d pretend to start waking up by moving a little or making a noise. He’d duck down and I would get out of bed and go into the bathroom. I would wait until I heard their door open and close and I would quietly sneak back into my bed.
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The sexual abuse stopped but nothing else changed. My stepdad still acted pervy around me and my friends. My brothers didn’t know what had happened. I’m sure they caught bits and pieces as nearly any fight ended with me screaming about what had happened. My mom tried to tell me at one point that my step-dad didn’t know better because his mom had abused him and taught him about sex, the way he had tried to ‘teach me.’ She also tried to push blame on my brothers. She said maybe it was them lifting up the blanket and lifting up my panties. Maybe one of them was curious. To this day I feel sick to my stomach about her saying those things.
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