We want to be that couple that gives others hope for the future. Since creating our Instagram, we have received so many messages thanking us for what we do. Spreading love and hope is so important to us that I just need to remember that when reading hateful comments. Some comments that have stuck out to me are: We are torturing our children by having them and being gay, our kids will always have a missing puzzle piece in their life without a father, we are gross, we are sick, our life is a sin, we should be punished, etc. The list could go on and on. Although Katie and I try to disregard these comments, there are many that hit us hard. We sulk about it for a while and then get over it. You can’t please everyone but you can show others how you stand tall and don’t sink to their unwanted level.
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Being gay isn’t a choice. It isn’t a lifestyle. It isn’t an alternative way of living. This is who I am. Coming out is a scary thing and usually, you have to come out many more times after that. You come out to strangers or people you just met. Being gay can be scary but it’s also great to be out with who you are and love who you want to love. My only hope is that more people are accepting. Being gay isn’t a choice anyone made. Maybe one day people will stop thinking it is.
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I know what we have encountered could be worse. I know there are many people in the world who suffer from others opinions and actions. I know for the most part, my life is amazing. I have more than I could ever imagine. When I was a little girl, I never thought I would be gay, marry a girl, need science to have kids, or deal with other people’s opinions of my family. What I don’t want is for my kids to encounter things I have just for being different. I want them to live in a world where people are not targeted for being outside of society’s norms. I can’t make everyone in the world accept my family but I can show others that love makes a family. I want my kids to know it is okay to have our family like ours. I want others to know it is okay to have a family like ours. I want my kids and everyone else to know it is okay to love who you love and gender doesn’t matter. Love is what matters.”
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When I graduated from high school and headed into my freshman year of college, that’s when everything changed. He became extremely possessive and wouldn’t let me out of his sight. As soon as I finished my tennis practices he would be in his car out front waiting for me. He would then take me to his apartment where we wouldn’t leave for the rest of the night. He didn’t want me to see my friends and over time, even my family. If any guy looked at me, he would freak out and threaten to fight with them.
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He then started pressuring me to get physical with him. This was something I wasn’t interested in doing since it was against my religious beliefs. After so much pressure, I finally gave in to the physical things with him – but not sex. I knew I wanted to save myself for marriage no matter what. Now that we were getting physical, he started pressuring me to drink alcohol – something that was also against my religion. After saying no multiple times I finally gave into that as well. The abuse continued. It started as emotional, then it became verbal. He constantly yelled at me, calling me every name in the book for absolutely no reason.
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One night, in particular, he had a razor blade in his hand. He was trying to cut his wrists in front of me because he was mad at me. I tried to stop him but he ‘accidentally’ sliced my thigh. I went into the bathroom and took photos of my thigh and the blood that was dripping down my leg. When I woke up the next morning, the photos were deleted. It kept getting worse. One night he slipped something into my drink. The last thing I remembered from that night was saying, ‘I don’t want to, I don’t want to,’ as he was on top of me. I remember feeling like I was in a dream where you’re trying to yell but you can hardly get out a whisper. I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend. This assault is how I lost my virginity. I was only a freshman in college. I was so young and so naive. The abuse overpowered me.
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Eventually, I gained the courage to leave him, but the pain I felt never left me. I drowned my sorrows in alcohol hoping it would silence my cries from the inside out. Not long after I broke up with my abusive boyfriend, I met someone new. Someone who made me feel alive again. I continued to hide the abuse I experienced underneath a smile. I continued to act like I was okay, although I still drank a lot to the point where I was blacking out almost every time my lips touched a bottle. This new relationship felt like the only thing good going for me and alcohol was just the catalyst. We were spontaneous together. Almost too spontaneous. He brought out a part of me I didn’t know existed and I liked it.
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About six months into our relationship I found out I was pregnant. My life felt over. I had to withdraw from college and leave everything behind, including my boyfriend. My tennis scholarship I worked so hard for was now gone. I felt like I needed to figure my life out before I made any major life decisions moving forward. So I moved back home with my parents. After living with my parents for about a month, I received devastating news. My boyfriend, the father of my unborn child had been killed in a car accident. He was ejected out of his vehicle and died on impact. He was just 19-years-old. My whole world was shattered. I had never truly felt a pain like this, and it was a lot worse than anything I had ever endured.
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I was so depressed throughout the rest of my pregnancy. I truly felt alone even though I was surrounded by my supportive family. Constantly inside my own head, it was so hard to do simple things – getting out of bed, eating, and even talking became too difficult for me. I never thought about committing suicide, but there were many times when I wished I was dead. I didn’t think things could ever get better for me or that I could even feel happiness ever again. I was afraid. I was afraid to be a single mom – or just a mom in general. I never thought any guy would want me now that I had a child.
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I had my son and he became the light in my life, my saving grace. I decided that even though I had faced some bumps in the road it shouldn’t mean I just give up on everything I dreamed for. So I got back into shape for the upcoming tennis season and I earned my scholarship back on the BYU tennis team. I played the whole season with my son watching from the sidelines. Not long after my tennis season ended, I met someone who changed my life forever. He was selfless, kind, accepting and he never judged me for anything from my past. We fell in love and he accepted my son as his own. He is the most amazing man and father I could ever ask for. We got married June 8, 2018, and I have never been happier.
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