On June 9, 2017 I was back in the hospital violently sick; it was not over yet. This time it was different. This time a Social Worker from CPS came to visit me. We talked about my ability to care for Jamison. She had told me I was mentally unstable and there was an open investigation. I was discharged with that. No resources or support to help me, just somebody telling me I was being investigated and unable to take care of him. This was the moment Kolton’s parents became more involved. After several family team decision making meetings, CPS decided Jamison would be placed with them. My whole world just flipped upside down.
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I begged to not let this happen. There was nothing I could do. After that last meeting our relationship with his parents changed drastically. Especially between his mom and I. When I would show up to visit Jamison in their home I was bullied, screamed at, and not able to take care of him. My ability to care for Jamison even to just bond with him was under strict rules only when they said so. At this point I became even more depressed. I would call our social worker and Kolton crying and explain to them what was going on. They did not believe me. So, I began fighting back, I began recording every visit while I was there.
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These recordings were then sent to our social worker and attorneys. I am so thankful shortly after this was dealt with, I no longer had to go to their home to visit Jamison. He would come to our home. I could finally take care of him without Kolton’s aunt screaming at me, ‘You can’t do it, don’t touch him, or I’m holding him now you can wait, or I’m going to take care of him and feed him, you can’t, or you are a shitty mother just leave,’ This also came from Kolton’s mom. This is how I was treated when all I wanted to do was spend time with my son. Kolton’s parents had strict stipulations on what they expected of me in order to get Jamison home. We later found out none of what they said mattered at all. It was not up to them although they felt that way.
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They continued to take aggressive action toward us. An incident that happened was that Kolton’s dad had given him strict rules- that if he continued to stay with me, he could no longer borrow their car to get to and from work. We separated for 2 weeks and got back together. Kolton finally saw and realized what was truly happening and gave them back their car. I remember his mom screaming at me that I would never get Jamison home and it would be years because she said so. That is not the truth. The truth is during this time, I received help and got into counseling and on antidepressants. I became healthier, stronger, and better. When I think back to all of this, I cannot believe they had tried to keep Jamison. My recordings and legal documentation have all of the evidence I need for myself and my healing.
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Jamison came home after our court follow up on December 29, 2017. I was so overjoyed but also afraid. We spent days/weeks/months researching everything we needed to, to be able to meet all of his needs. But that wasn’t enough. I am still researching and storing away more information all of the time. Because that is what a true mother does, she does not stop for her children. Even when I was at my lowest mental state I never gave up. Life now looks a lot different. Jamison is thriving, our boys are happy. I am healing more everyday as well as Kolton. We still have moments that trigger our P.T.S.D. and Trauma. But its manageable and we take extreme caution with each other and have so much Grace.
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There was a period of about 6 months we completely separated ourselves with his family and focused on our own. During that time the transformation in our own home was amazing. Less stress, more manageable anxiety. I decided to let them see Jamison again on his birthday when he turned 1. On May 19, 2018. Since then we don’t really talk about the large elephant in the room. Anytime that we do it turns sour very quickly and nothing is resolved. The past gets brought up frequently and there is a lot of bitterness towards it from all of us. They are good grandparents. But I would never trust them alone with Jamison, Kolton and I both feel that way. Too many mistakes have happened that shouldn’t when caring for Jamison.
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Jamison is doing really well. Kolton and I both stay home and take care of him along with our other boys. We are barely making ends meet but are happy. We are still working on finding what our balance looks like for ourselves and our children. Jamison now has a feeding tube, requiring more care. We still provide 24/7 care for him and are always exhausted but would not change a thing. Everyday is a gift from God that we have made it this far and I am forever praising him.”
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There I was, 22 years older, feeling like my life was going in the opposite direction. My pending divorce not only shattered my faith in marriage longevity, but my own self-confidence. I honestly didn’t know if other men would find me attractive and I wasn’t too pleased to find out. I had been married for more than half of my life. My life revolved around being a mother and wife, never looking outside of my own bubble. How would I ever adjust to being single with children? The whole idea made me feel depressed. I was mourning the death of my marriage. I started spending most of my free time in bed, with the covers pulled over my head. I got up only to do what was absolutely necessary.
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