‘Because we don’t know if your fetus has Trisomy 21, there are a few different reasonings for this heart issue. Now if it is normal, then the heart could possible develop later on in utero. But if the fetus does have T21 then you’re looking at some major heart issues. If it can even survive a stressful birth with this heart, it would then need to undergo open heart surgery or a transplant. And that’s if you make it to full term. But there’s no way to know for sure without an amnio.’
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I didn’t speak much after that. I cried, a lot. My mom held my hand and prayed the whole time. I don’t remember much of what went through my head, other than fear. Fear of losing her before I even got to meet her. Fear of meeting her and not getting a chance to be her mom. Just Fear. And sorrow. Sadness that this perfect living little girl who I had grown so attached to was being talked about as if she was already dead. This was the point where I decided I need to ‘know for sure.’ So out of fear, I consented to an Emergency Amnio.
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‘I know you said no to terminating, but no one would blame you. Having kids is hard, having kids with special needs is even harder. It’s going to be all about doctor’s visits, and surgeries…’ I’m sure he went on and on as that long painful needles was pierced through my stomach into the warm, safe home my daughter was living in, but I tuned him out. I just cried and prayed – prayed that her heart would heal, prayed the needle wouldn’t hurt her, prayed I wouldn’t miscarry. Prayed she would get to live. Prayed that something would be wrong with me instead. If it was between her living or me… that it would be her.
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It would be about 2 weeks before we would find out the results. ‘My office will call you with the results, unless there are other findings.’ Then that was it. I remember sitting in the passenger seat as my mom drove us home, and I felt numb. She asked me how I felt, and I remember saying something along the lines of ‘I just know she doesn’t have Down syndrome. She’ll be fine.’ I’m not sure if this ‘peace’ I had was my way of dealing with everything I had just heard, or if I was going through the denial part of this healing process.
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Those two weeks were the longest, hardest, scariest weeks of my life. Brian and I could only communicate via mail. I wrote out the conversation in my head so many times. When he left, everything was fine. We were ‘in the clear.’ When he left, her heart was fine. She was fine. I was fine. In 6 weeks’ time, I had learned my daughter’s heart was failing, she might not make it through birth, and she would in fact be born with Down syndrome. When I finally received the call that she would have Down syndrome, I was so relieved. At first they called to tell me there were ‘other findings’ from my amnio.
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So I spent the next 24 hours researching what all could be found through an amnio. Horrible things came up. And Down syndrome seemed to be the best case scenario. So when I actually met with my doctor and all he said was, ‘Unfortunately your baby has Trisomy 21,’ I just stared at him and said, ‘That’s it?’ He was shocked by my lack of reaction. But I had prepared myself for ‘other findings.’ Findings that would be life or death. And Down syndrome was not the end of the world.
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Brian came home on Christmas leave. The anticipation of spending that first night alone together once we broke away from family ate at me the whole day. I had no idea how I was going to tell him. He missed it all. He had no clue. ‘So babe… while you were gone, they found some things wrong with the baby. I had to see a fetal specialist, and there are some issues concerning her heart which resulted in me getting an amnio to determine if she will have Down syndrome or not… And she does.’
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‘Soo… our child isn’t going to be ‘normal.’ ‘Hannah… we already knew that. You and me are the farthest things from normal… but she’s ours and that’s all that matters. Normal is boring anyways.’ And that ladies and gentlemen… is why I love this man. We spent the remainder of his time home at lots of doctor’s appointments. Miraculously, all the heart issues cleared themselves up. Brian left shortly after Christmas and the next time I would see him would be at his graduation, a month before I gave birth. Our reunion was bittersweet. Lots of tears as this would be our final moments before we became parents, and we were allowed no PDA.
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