Thứ Năm, 31 tháng 1, 2019

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Nirvana Kumar it had to be the white card didn't it!! Any least thing about whites!! And you lot throw the racism card at the drop of a hat. It said we will be trialing getting the homeless off the streets not that is happening at the moment. Rajesh Tak thank you for saying that, was going to say the same thing, to him, help mankind we'd all be in a better state in this world. But I fear that number is more like wishful thinking on the Rugby with mickey mouse patriots New England Patriots shirt this Government and is, in actual fact, a lot more. A lot more needs to be.   
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The model that has brought success in Finland will be trialed in Greater Manchester, Merseyside and the West Midlands in England. Already happening in Liverpool where people were given the opportunity to buy ex-council houses for £1 on the condition that they would live in them for 25 years. Stu McLoughlin yes because most homeless people have the money needed to renovate the Bigfoot return aliens UFO Shirt which is part of the deal as i understand it, you can buy them for a pound but need to have the funds in place to spend the tens of thousands doing them up, if not you do not qualify.Bigfoot return aliens UFO Shirt

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Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 1, 2019

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“As a naïve 18-year-old, thinking I knew anything about life, I entered a relationship with a narcissist, thinking he was amazing…at first. Before I knew it, which was a matter of about 6 months, I was isolated from my family and friends, financially dependent on him and his narcissist family, and only just learning the kind of abuse he intended for me.


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Within the year he was psychologically and sexually abusive, but to spice it up, he would physically abuse me, telling me, ‘Go ahead and try to leave b***h, you’re nothing. Nobody will believe you.’ I was gaslighted, made to look crazy, intentionally, in front of people to confirm the lies he spewed about me. He would hit me, choke me, rape me, then tell me, ‘I hate that you make me do these things to you. Don’t you learn or are you really that stupid?’ If I cried, I was taunted, if I was silent it would happen again, if I stood up for myself, he put me back in my place.


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Entering the next year, I discovered I was pregnant. This was something that was my worst nightmare but also a glimpse of hope. At around the same time, I discovered that he started using heroin. He became more erratic, unpredictable, and violent. I kept my head down, walked on eggshells, submitted, so I could keep my baby and body safe. When she came, I finally had hope, she brought me power I hadn’t had. ‘If you try to leave me and take her, I will kill us all c**t.’


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Although the drugs made him worse, they were eventually my out. I had lost my baby once to child protective services, I had to prove that I wasn’t an addict like him. They told me if anything ever happens again, we would lose her to the system. That was my out. When I saw he wasn’t clean and he was risking her, I used that, and I ran. ‘You’ll come back you evil wh**e, or at least she will.’ I still wonder why he didn’t try to kill me that night, he didn’t think I was strong enough to stay away. Thankfully, after a month of being stalked and terrified, he overdosed on multiple different drugs and died.


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The violence I experienced didn’t just leave my brain like I had hoped. The memories of the things he did to me turned me into a shell of a person. ‘I’m trying Baby, I’m so sorry,’ I would tell my daughter, sobbing. I couldn’t look at her without being debilitated by flashbacks and the physical urge to hide, fight, and run. She watched me recede into myself, she watched me lose my mind.


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Along with therapy and medication, time does heal. When my mind was clearer and I could see her as the beautiful human she is again, my newest obstacle arose. She wanted nothing to do with me when I was around but would lose it if I was out of sight. In public if she didn’t get her way she’d scream, ‘Don’t touch me! Who are you!? HELP!!!’ We saw professional after professional, only to be dismissed and told, ‘She’ll grow out of it.’


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For years I struggled to parent my child who frequently threw violent tantrums, would run away from me, who cringed when I tried to hug her, broke and destroyed everything that was given to her, and frequently expressed how she hates me or how she wants to die. At 6-years-old, we finally learned she has reactive attachment disorder, meaning her ability to trust her caregivers was severed during development and she lives in fear of bonding with others because they might leave her or be unable to keep her safe. This is why she behaves as if she hates me, why she tells me, ‘You’re not a good mom, I’d be better without you.’



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I partly deserve that. I had to make choices that took dangerous people out of her life, people she loved regardless, I had to put my crazy self-back together with her as a witness, and I had to work whatever job I could find and whatever hours to support her financially. She was handed a rough start. Now I am unlearning coping and defense mechanisms, as well traditional parenting methods. We are learning how to bond with each other in ways that make sense to her. We have more hard days than good days, but now I live for the random snuggles and ‘I love you Mommy.’”


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“I was one of those kids who always dreamed of growing up, getting married, and having children. It was one of the first things I brought up to my husband before we got married. I distinctly remember having a conversation telling him, ‘look I want to have a lot of kids so if you’re ok with that, then you can marry me.’ We also talked about adoption before marriage because we were both exposed to it as children by our families taking in foster children.


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So we had conversations before we ever got married that we knew we would foster and or adopt in our future at some point. We wanted to wait a few years before trying to get pregnant so we could fully enjoy our marriage. About 3 years in, we decided it was time to have babies. I never thought in the back of my head there would be any issues or delays into our plan. We tried for 6 months with no success and I started getting worried. Of course infertility doctors won’t take any plan of action until you have at least been trying for one year unsuccessfully. One year rolls around and still no baby.



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I can’t even begin to describe to you what that year was like. It’s like every month I was mourning the loss of something I never had. Every month it didn’t happen I was completely devastated and honestly it was the hardest few years in our marriage. How could this not be what God’s plan was for me? Especially since I knew I was always meant to be a mother.


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At the one year mark we decided to try some fertility treatments. Throughout the course of another 6 months, fertility medications, and a few invasive treatments the doctors said, ‘We have no idea why you aren’t conceiving.’ They told us we had ‘unexplained infertility.’ I think that was the hardest part for me – I just wanted an answer; I wanted a reason.


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We took a few months to just quiet our life and pray as to what God had for us next. We were brought back to the desire we had originally to adopt, and we decided to go for it. We chose a local agency in our city. We liked that it was local because our desire was always open adoption. When we began pursuing adoption, I started praying for God to give us a birth mom who would also have the desire for open adoption.


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The process of adoption itself is filled with a lot of paperwork in the beginning, and then a lot of waiting. It was 14 months from the time we signed with an agency until we received our baby. In January towards the end of the month we got a call from our agency worker. I remember that call like it was yesterday. ‘Lauren, I’m calling to tell you that you have been chosen by a birth mom. She is due in 9 days and she’s having a baby girl!’ I was listening with my mouth wide open, staring at my husband as he was wondering what in the world is happening.


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We got the chance to have dinner with our birth mom before delivery. I’m pretty positive I threw up the entire day before this meeting and the day of the meeting. That’s my go-to emotion when I’m overwhelmed; I throw up. How was I supposed to act to the women who is literally giving me the greatest gift in life? I knew it would be hard to fight my tears out of gratitude. You know what’s crazy? The whole time over dinner I almost forgot why we were there. We were having such a great time and I felt as if this were my friend. I remember telling my husband that exact thing, that I felt like I just had dinner with one of my best friends. She was so kind, her personality was so inviting, and she was hilarious. I’m pretty sure I laughed the whole dinner. Before we left I told her my desire for open adoption and luckily it was her desire too. I knew in my heart this was meant to be.


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Our birth mom chose for the baby to be brought to us right after birth. We waited in a room for about 3 hours, and of course I’m throwing up because I realized this is the moment I’m about to become a mother. At 11:12 that morning I see the nurse as she opens up the door, her face so bright with a smile, and she says, ‘Here’s a delivery!’ I leap out of my chair, open my arms and just cry.


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I remember those first moments when I got to hold her on my chest. All those hard years led to this moment. Here I was standing in my own delivery room, holding my baby on my chest. As I looked down at my sweet baby girl’s face I thought, ‘You were worth it. You were worth it all.’ After getting off the phone, I told my husband the good news, and we began to celebrate. We literally ran to the store that night, bought a few baby girl onesies, wrapped them up, and took them to our families to surprise them with the news.



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We left the future of our relationship up to our birth mom. We wanted to be respectful of her heart as well. I can say though I was doubtful that anything further would come. I didn’t think she would actually want to see us again. In my head I had just assumed that birth mothers would have so much trauma from the experience that she would not want to see us again. Even though we had a great dinner and a great time in the hospital, I just thought emotionally she would not be able to do it. Typically you don’t see open adoptions, and a majority of birth mothers want to walk away and never see the child again.


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But about a year into baby girl’s life, I got a notification for a friend request on Facebook from our birth mom. I was so excited I instantly messaged her and we began catching up. It was at that point we began to establish a relationship through Facebook. I sent her tons of photos, told her how sweet Roslyn was, and she thanked me for being her mother. We decided what the future looked like for us. And now, at this point in time, we meet every few months. She will attend birthdays and some holidays, and we are communicating through Facebook.

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Roslyn is very aware of who her birth mother is, and even at her young age we tell her the birth story every night. There is a picture of her birth mother with her that we keep on her dresser. In my mind, open adoption is not a contest or rivalry. We are family. We are one big extended family all coming together to love on one sweet girl.


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My desire is to bring her up in this world with her knowing her identity. I want her to have a worldview of acceptance of her own journey, who she is, and how she came to be. All of us feel that the best way to do this is through open adoption. Since this isn’t a very common thing, I have been very thankful that her birth mother has been open to it.


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Through the hardest season of my life, I had some of the most dreaded memories I can remember. However, I have come to learn this, the very trials that produced those hardships have turned into the best part of me. Sometimes circumstances in your life aren’t what you planned, but end up changing your life for the better. The journey is not always easy, but it’s worth it.


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One day when the manager invited me in, he didn’t give me a job. He told me his boss had seen me and said I was an eyesore… a nuisance, and that I had to go. He then gave me some extra food and sent me on my way. The food didn’t last long and after a couple of days I was hungry and without a plan. I was laying on the park bench when a woman happened by and asked, ‘child, are you hungry?’ I nodded my head yes. She said, ‘well come on then, let’s get you some food.’


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The shower was a tiny stall with nothing more than the leftovers of a melted bar of soap that doubled as shampoo. After I showered, I dried myself off with a towel that was so transparent it looked like the heel of a worn-out sock. I put my dirty clothes back on and as I exited the bathroom the air was filled with the aroma of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. I remember it so well because it was my favorite after-school snack.


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In the morning she asked me if I knew what she did for a living. I nodded my head no. ‘I’m a prostitute.’ She must have realized from the look on my face that that had no meaning for me. ‘I sell my body for sex because I do drugs, or maybe I do drugs because I sell my body. It’s been so long I don’t remember anymore. This is no place for a little girl like you. I want you to promise me that you are going to go home.’ I nodded my head yes. ‘I want to hear you speak the words,’ she said.


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When I was 5 years old, one of my earliest memories is of my mother dropping me out of a two-story window which resulted in both of my arms being broken. To this day I can feel the sensation of the fall. It was drizzling out. I remember the scent of the rain. The rain that softened the grass that broke my fall. I must have passed out on impact because my next memory is of my mother scooping me up in my blankie and taking me to the hospital in a taxi. I passed out again and woke up in two straight casts that wrapped around my hands leaving only my fingers free and ended just below my shoulders. I have no memory of the time spent in those casts, only the day they were removed. It was during this time that I was sent to live with my mother’s parents. My grandmother was a functional alcoholic. My grandfather was a child molester. This marks the beginning of my running away from home.

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“We live three miles west of the Clutter place. I used to walk it back and forth, but I always worked summers, and last year I’d saved enough to buy my own car, a ’55 Ford. So I drove over there, got there a little after seven. I didn’t see anybody on the road or on the lane that leads up to the house, or anybody outside. Just old Teddy. He barked at me. The lights were on downstairs—in the living room and in Mr. Clutter’s office. The second floor was dark, and I figured Mrs. Clutter must be asleep—if she was home. You never knew whether she was or not, and I never asked.


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But I found out I was right, because later in the evening Kenyon wanted to practice his horn—he played baritone horn in the school band—and Nancy told him not to, because he would wake up Mrs. Clutter. Anyway, when I got there they had finished supper and Nancy had cleaned up, put all the dishes in the dishwater, and the three of them—the two kids and Mr. Clutter—were in the living room. So we sat around like any other night—Nancy and I on the couch, and Mr. Clutter in his chair, that stuffed rocker. He wasn’t watching the television so much as he was reading a book—a ‘Rover Boy,’ one of Kenyon’s books.
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Once, he went out to the kitchen and came back with two apples; he offered one to me, but I didn’t want it, so he ate them both. He had very white teeth; he said apples were why. Nancy—Nancy was wearing socks and soft slippers, blue jeans, I think a green sweater; she was wearing a gold wristwatch and an I.D. bracelet I gave her last January for her sixteenth birthday—with her name on one side and mine on the other—and she had on a ring, some little silver thing she bought a summer ago, when she went to Colorado with the Kidwells.

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It wasn’t my ring—our ring. See, a couple of weeks back she got sore at me and said she was going to take off our ring for a while. When your girl does that, it means you’re on probation. I mean, sure, we had fusses—everybody does, all the kids that go steady. What happened was I went to this friend’s wedding, the reception, and drank a beer, one bottle of beer, and Nancy got to hear about it. Some tattle told her I was roaring drunk. Well, she was stone, wouldn’t say hello for a week. But lately we’d been getting on good as ever, and I believe she was about ready to wear our ring again.


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“O.K. The first show was called ‘The Man and the Challenge.’ Channel 11. About some fellows in the Arctic. Then we saw a Western, and after that a spy adventure—‘Five Fingers.’ ‘Mike Hammer’ came on at nine-thirty. Then the news. But Kenyon didn’t like anything, mostly because we wouldn’t let him pick the programs. He criticized everything, and Nancy kept telling him to hush up. They always quibbled, but actually they were very close—closer than most brothers and sisters. I guess partly it was because they’d been alone together so much, what with Mrs. Clutter away and Mr. Clutter gone to Washington, or wherever.


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I know Nancy loved Kenyon very specially, but I don’t think even she, or anybody, exactly understood him. He seemed to be off somewhere. You never knew what he was thinking, never even knew if he was looking at you—on account of he was slightly cockeyed. Some people said he was a genius, and maybe it was true. He sure did read a lot. But, like I say, he was restless; he didn’t want to watch the TV, he wanted to practice his horn, and when Nancy wouldn’t let him, I remember Mr. Clutter told him why didn’t he go down to the basement, the recreation room, where nobody could hear him. But he didn’t want to do that, either.

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“The phone rang once. Twice? Gosh, I can’t remember. Except that once the phone rang and Mr. Clutter answered it in his office. The door was open—that sliding door between the living room and the office—and I heard him say ‘Van,’ so I knew he was talking to his partner, Mr. Van Vleet, and I heard him say that he had a headache but that it was getting better. And he said he’d see Mr. Van Vleet on Monday. When he came back—Yes, the ‘Mike Hammer’ was just over. Five minutes of news. Then the weather report. Mr. Clutter always perked up when the weather report came on. It’s all he ever really waited for.


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Like the only thing that interested me was the sports—which came on next. After the sports ended, that was ten-thirty, and I got up to go. Nancy walked me out. We talked awhile, and made a date to go to the movies Sunday night—a picture all the girls were looking forward to, ‘Blue Denim.’ Then she ran back in the house, and I drove away. It was as clear as day—the moon was so bright—and cold and kind of windy; a lot of tumbleweed blowing about. But that’s all I saw. Only, now when I think back, I think somebody must have been hiding there. Maybe down among the trees. Somebody just waiting for me to leave.”

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The travellers stopped for dinner at a restaurant in Great Bend. Perry, down to his last fifteen dollars, was ready to settle for root beer and a sandwich, but Dick said no, they needed a solid “tuck-in,” and never mind the cost, the tab was his. They ordered two steaks medium rare, baked potatoes, French fries, fried onions, succotash, side dishes of macaroni and hominy, salad with Thousand Island dressing, cinnamon rolls, apple pie with ice cream, and coffee. To top it off, they visited a drugstore and selected cigars; in the same drugstore, they also bought two thick rolls of adhesive tape.


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They skirted the southern rim of the town. No one was abroad at this nearly midnight hour, and nothing was open except a string of desolately brilliant service stations. Dick turned into one—Hurd’s Phillips 66. A youngster appeared, and asked, “Fill her up?” Dick nodded, and Perry, getting out of the car, went inside the station, where he locked himself in the men’s room. His legs pained him, as they often did; they hurt as though his old accident had happened five minutes before.


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He shook three aspirin out of a bottle, chewed them slowly (for he liked the taste), and then drank water from the basin tap. He sat down on the toilet, stretched out his legs, and rubbed them, massaging the almost unbendable knees. Dick had said they were almost there—“only seven miles more.” He unzipped a pocket of his windbreaker and brought out a paper sack; inside it were the recently purchased rubber gloves. They were glue-colored, sticky, and thin, and as he inched them on, one tore—not a dangerous tear, just a split between the fingers, but it seemed to him an omen.

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Dick dropped a dime in a vending machine, pulled the lever, and picked up a bag of jelly beans; munching, he wandered back to the car and lounged there watching the young attendant’s efforts to rid the windshield of Kansas dust and the slime of battered insects. The attendant, whose name was James Spor, felt uneasy. Dick’s eyes and sullen expression and Perry’s strange, prolonged sojourn in the lavatory disturbed him. (The next day, he reported to his employer, “We had some tough customers in here last night,” but he did not think, then or for the longest while, to connect the visitors with the tragedy in Holcomb.)


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It was Dick’s theory that such a gift could, under his supervision, be profitably exploited. Having reached this conclusion, he had proceeded to woo Perry, flatter him—pretend, for example, that he believed all the buried-treasure stuff and shared his beachcomber yearnings and seaport longings, none of which appealed to Dick, who wanted “a regular life,” with a business of his own, a house, a horse to ride, a new car, and “plenty of blond chicken.” It was important, however, that Perry not suspect this—not until Perry, with his gift, had helped further Dick’s ambitions. But perhaps it was Dick who had miscalculated, been duped; if so—if it developed that Perry was, after all, only an “ordinary punk”—then “the party” was over, the months of planning were wasted, there was nothing to do but turn and go. It mustn’t happen; Dick returned to the station.

Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 1, 2019

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A few miles north, in the pleasant kitchen of a modest farmhouse, Dick was consuming a Sunday dinner. The others at the table—his mother, his father, his younger brother—were not conscious of anything uncommon in his manner. He had arrived home at noon, kissed his mother, readily replied to questions his father put concerning his supposed overnight trip to Fort Scott, and sat down to eat, seeming quite his ordinary self. When the meal was over, the three male members of the family settled in the parlor to watch a televised basketball game. The broadcast had only begun when the father was startled to hear Dick snoring; as he remarked to the younger boy, he never thought he’d live to see the day when Dick would rather sleep than watch basketball. But, of course, he did not understand how very tired Dick was, did not know that his dozing son had, among other things, driven over eight hundred miles in the past twenty-four hours. ♦


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Far off, in the town of Olathe, in a hotel room where window shades darkened the midday sun, Perry lay sleeping, with a gray portable radio murmuring beside him. Except for taking off his boots, he had not troubled to undress. He had merely fallen face first across the bed, as though sleep were a weapon that had struck him from behind. The boots, black and steel-buckled, were soaking in a washbasin filled with warm, vaguely pink-tinted water.


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From her parlor window, Susan Kidwell saw the white cortege glide past, and watched until it had rounded the corner and the unpaved street’s easily airborne dust had landed again. She was still contemplating the view when Bobby, shadowed by his large little brother, became a part of it, a wobbly figure headed her way. She went out on the porch to meet him. She said, “I wanted so much to tell you.” Bobby began to cry. Larry lingered at the edge of the Teacherage yard, hunched against a tree. He couldn’t remember ever seeing Bobby cry, and he didn’t want to, so he lowered his eyes.


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Larry, a younger brother, also refused to obey the summoning bell. He circled around Bobby, helpless to help but wanting to, even though he was told to “go away.” Later, when his brother stopped standing and started to walk, heading down the road and across the fields toward Holcomb, Larry pursued him. “Hey, Bobby. Listen. If we’re going somewhere, why don’t we go in the car? “ His brother wouldn’t answer. He was walking with purpose—running, really—but Larry had no difficulty keeping stride.


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Though only fourteen, he was the taller of the two, the deeper-chested, the longer-legged, Bobby being, for all his athletic honors, rather less than medium-size—compact but slender, a finely made boy with an open, homely-handsome face. “Hey, Bobby. Listen. They won’t let you see her. It won’t do any good.” Bobby turned on him, and said, “Go back. Go home.” The younger brother fell behind, then followed at a distance. Despite the pumpkin-season temperature, the day’s arid glitter, both boys were sweating as they approached a barricade that state troopers had erected at the entrance to River Valley Farm.

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Many friends of the Clutter family, and strangers from all over Finney County as well, had assembled at the site, but none were allowed past the barricade, which, soon after the arrival of the Rupp brothers, was briefly lifted to permit the exit of four ambulances, the number finally required to remove the victims, and a car filled with men from the sheriff’s office—men who, even at that moment, were mentioning the name of Bobby Rupp. For Bobby, as he was to learn before nightfall, was their principal suspect.

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But Bobby already knew. On his way home, Mr. Ewalt had stopped at the Rupp farm, and consulted with his friend Johnny Rupp, a father of eight, of whom Bobby is the third. Together, the two men went to the bunkhouse—a building separate from the farmhouse proper, which is too small to shelter all the Rupp children. The boys live in the bunkhouse, the girls “at home.” They found Bobby making his bed. He listened to Mr. Ewalt, asked no questions, and thanked him for coming. Afterward, he stood outside in the sunshine. The Rupp property is on a rise, an exposed plateau, from which he could see the harvested, glowing land of River Valley Farm—scenery that occupied him for perhaps an hour. Those who tried to distract him could not. The dinner bell sounded, and his mother called to him to come inside—called until finally her husband said, “No. I’d leave him alone.”


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At the Teacherage, Wilma Kidwell was forced to control herself in order to control her daughter, for Susan, puffy-eyed, sickened by spasms of nausea, argued, inconsolably insisted, that she must go—must run—the three miles to the Rupp farm. “Don’t you see, Mother?” she said. “If Bobby just hears it? He loved her. We both did. I have to be the one to tell him.”


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The two persons who benefited by this honorable attitude—Eveanna Jarchow and her sister Beverly, sole heirs to their father’s estate—were, within a few hours of the awful discovery, on their way to Holcomb, Beverly travelling from Winfield, Kansas, where she had been visiting her fiancé, and Eveanna from her home in Mount Carroll, Illinois. Gradually, in the course of the day, other relatives were notified, among them Mr. Clutter’s father, his two brothers, Arthur and Clarence, and his sister Mrs.

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Harry Nelson, all of Larned, Kansas, and a second sister, Mrs. Elaine Selsor, of Palatka, Florida. Also, the parents of Bonnie Clutter, Mr. and Mrs. Arthur B. Fox, who live in Pasadena, California, and her three brothers—Harold, of Visalia, California; Howard, of Oregon, Illinois; and Glenn, of Kansas City, Kansas. Indeed, the better part of those on the Clutters’ Thanksgiving guest list were either telephoned or telegraphed, and the majority set forth at once for what was to be a family reunion not around a groaning board but at the graveside of a mass burial.