We wouldn’t have been accepted by the other Korean kids who weren’t adopted. At the meeting with my Korean mother, there was an interpreter, a social worker, my mom, dad and brother. Many tears fell from everyone’s eyes, and it all felt so surreal to me. My Korean mother shared that she always knew she was going to give me up, but it was important that she breast fed me for a few months. She told me that she thought about me every day after she parted from me. As far as my Korean father, she only mentioned that he was a good man and had a healthy heart.
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When I said goodbye to my Korean mother, it was probably one of the most difficult things for me. As she wrapped her arms around me in a hug, I felt her love, as well. It was a beautiful moment and confirmation that she did love me. That’s when I began to start loving myself.
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After the meeting, I felt truly elated. At the time, I felt complete. My dream had come true, I finally had met my Korean mother, someone I had wondered about for so long. Part of my healing and growth, as I try to navigate in this world of adoption, is to spread education and awareness through the lens. Growing up, I wish I had more connections with Korean adoptees to know that my brother and I weren’t alone. I wish there had been more books to read, movies and TV shows to watch that were adoption related.
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On my first trip to Korea I realized the importance of my parents creating a safe space for me to talk about my feelings and issues, especially if they were adoption-related, because I found out not all adoptees had that. Some adoptive parents would dismiss their child’s emotions and shut down the conversation. I am creating what I had wanted and needed when I was a kid.
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After my first trip to Korea when I was 17, it took me a year to process everything that I had experienced. As I came to understand fully the circumstances that led to my adoption, it was very painful. My Korean mother had ended up getting remarried and she had never told her husband about me. That was the reason she was hesitant at first. But when she changed her mind, she met us in secret. In South Korean society, babies born out of wedlock, were not accepted.
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If women wanted to get remarried, their new husband would not accept children from another marriage, and certainly not an illegitimate child. I learned I may have not even been able to attend school, as I was considered a second-class citizen at the time. Even today, single pregnant women in Korea are ostracized by their friends, family and coworkers. For a while, I felt in some ways my Korean mother chose to get remarried, rather than fight to keep me, to fight the system.
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I am now thirty-five years into an incredible journey. I take in all the added ups, downs and middle of being adopted with no regrets. While I believe adoption entails both grief and joy as one family is separated so another can be made, I accept that this is part of my journey.
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I deeply love my husband who I married almost four years ago. He understands my adoption story and how that affects the fabric of feelings, sensitivities, and priorities. The fact that he supports my passion projects of making these foster care and adoption videos both emotionally and financially means the world to me. I love my adoptive parents and my brother as well and appreciate their interest and support for my film-making.
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I know my Korean mother loves me too, and all this is enough for me now. I cherish the Korean name she gave me, YoonMee. It means truth shining. Each story I share whether positive, negative or somewhere in between, it’s my mission to shine their truth to the world. I truly believe there is healing in telling these stories both for the teller and for those who benefit from listening – they’re not alone.”
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“It had only been a few weeks since we’d said, ‘I do.’ I was in bed getting ready to go to sleep. I don’t even remember what the fight was about but he came flying across the room towards me. Before I really understood what was happening, he had his hand wrapped up in my hair close to my scalp. And then he yanked a handful of hair, really hard. I remember feeling as though the world stopped spinning. All I could think about was I just made a huge mistake. But there I was, a new pastor’s wife who had brought a 9-year-old son into this marriage. I didn’t know what to do, or who to talk to. It had never happened before, so I rationalized it.
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Even though I hadn’t known it while we were dating, I figured out very quickly after our wedding that my husband battled alcoholism. How could I have missed it? Either I was naïive or he hid it very well, but regardless of the why, here we were. I struggled for 9 years of marriage to support him the best I could. When he was sober, he was fun and enjoyable. Intelligent and witty, he would make up songs with silly lyrics to make me laugh. His eyes crinkled around the outer corners when something genuinely struck him as funny, and I loved being the one to make him smile like that.
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But addiction had a deep, deep hold on him and it changed him. Constantly picking fights, paranoid and overrun with anger, life was almost unbearable more than it wasn’t. The first time a licensed counselor used the word abuse, I thought he was being dramatic. To me, a woman in an abusive marriage was one who was being beaten. That wasn’t me. Over the 9 years of our marriage, things got physical/aggressive probably no more than half a dozen times. Sure, that’s 6 times too many – but that wasn’t where much of the turmoil was.
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I began to learn about emotional and verbal abuse, and the effects on people who are the recipient of these behaviors. I started to see myself and my marriage in the descriptions. I wanted to be there for him, because I saw for myself what a grip addiction had on him. I instinctually understood no one would choose to live the way he was living. But it was chaotic, tumultuous, scary and at times so very suffocating.
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In December of 2018, just a few short days after we peacefully walked the quiet beaches of the Carolina shore together as a family, I packed up my kids and left our home. I had found him drinking again in the basement and couldn’t bear the thought of living through this cycle for the rest of our lives. I knew I had done everything I could do, and now the most important thing would be for me to get my children to a safe space.
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