Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 2, 2019

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I know without a fraction of a doubt that my doctor cared and wanted the best for me, but her knowledge and experience just wasn’t the right tool for the job. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was looking for, but I was finally ready to take a leap of faith and trust that there was a doctor out there who did have the right tools for my condition.


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In December of 2016, my mom and I made the trip from Philadelphia to Herndon, Virginia to meet Dr. Abdallah. He spent almost an hour with me that day talking through my symptoms, my priorities, goals, and my medical history from MY perspective, instead of the version my former doctors had determined, then asked me why nobody was trying to figure out the reason for all my symptoms. I sat speechless for a second, trying to wrap my mind around just how far we had strayed from the very question that set us on this journey in the first place… ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘Now we are.’


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Over the next few months we ran test after test and trialed several treatments, but nothing could ease the pain. At this point, I was sustaining myself with nutrition I received through a feeding tube surgically placed in my abdomen to bypass my stomach and was starting to come to terms with the possibility that I was going to have to live like this for the rest of my life.


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By the summer of 2017, after five years of dead ends and more questions than answers, I was ready to give up, but Dr. Abdallah said he had one more idea. He took me across the hall to look at the area where my pain was, towards the middle just below my ribs, with the ultrasound. My feeding tube made it difficult to see the whole area, but he found that I had elevated velocities in my celiac artery, which led him to believe there could be something compressing it.


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Finally, a clue! Our next step was a CT angiogram, but it had to be at a hospital near his office where he knew they would do it correctly—take the images on the exhale. Yes, that meant another 3-hour train ride down to Virginia for a 20-minute test, but when you’ve been sick for so long with no explanation as to why your body was slowly shutting down and are lucky enough to find even the smallest glimmer of hope, you find a way to keep that hope alive.


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The train ride down to my follow-up appointment felt like an eternity. I had become so accustomed to the disappointment of hitting dead ends that I just wanted to get it over with as quick as possible.  Dr. Abdallah walked into the exam room with his computer pull up the results of my CT Angiogram… he looked up from the computer and just says, ‘this is big—we found it. You have something called Median Arcuate Ligament Syndrome, it’s very rare, but we can treat it with surgery and I know an excellent surgeon who will take care of you.’


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Median Arcuate Ligament Syndrome (MALS), which has also been called Celiac Artery Compression Syndrome or Dunbar Syndrome, was first discovered in the 1960s, but by 2012 when my symptoms began, there were had been fewer than 500 MALS corrective surgeries. I have lived my entire life with an anatomical anomaly—my diaphragm sits too low, which in turn lowers the median arcuate ligament onto the celiac artery and celiac ganglion nerves. With every breath I take, as the diaphragm rises to exhale, the ligament compresses my celiac artery and surrounding nerves. This interrupts blood flow and, over time, causes the nerves to get inflamed. For me and many others with this abnormally, it can cause upper-abdominal pain (particularly after eating), persistent nausea/ vomiting, exercise intolerance, and significant weight loss that may mimic more common GI conditions, but unlike those conditions, MALS won’t show up in bloodwork or in standard tests/scans.


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When she’s trying to tell you something and the kids are climbing all over her and not letting her speak, show them the example by asking them to wait. Teach them that her voice is important and worthy to be heard. Put your phone down, look at her and listen.  Show her you’re on her side, that if she acts crazy and says she wants to fly to the moon, be that person that will help her build a rocket ship. Be her friend. Be her support. Be her cheer squad.

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In what felt like the blink of an eye, I went from being my dad’s sous-chef, looking forward to the weekends when we could spend the day in the kitchen trying new recipes, to crying in pain after eating just a few bites of food. Over the next several months, the unexplained pain, fatigue, and weight loss continued until I became medically unstable and was admitted to one of the nation’s top children’s hospitals. They ran test after test, but not a single one gave us any answers as to why eating was causing me so much pain.


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Eventually, the doctors stopped searching for answers and diagnosed me with an eating disorder. I remember that day like it was yesterday—a nurse came and took my parents into another room down the hall, then, not even five minutes later, a psychologist I had never met came into my room with a team of 10 doctors. These unfamiliar doctors stood surrounding my bed while the psychologist pulled a chair up next to me and said, ‘We have looked over your chart and have diagnosed you with Anorexia Nervosa.’ With tears welling up in my eyes, I was only able to mutter one question: ‘But why does it hurt so much when I eat?’ Nobody answered me.


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For what felt like an eternity, I laid quietly in my hospital bed, still surrounded by these strangers who were supposed to be some of the best doctors in the country, until a young-looking doctor standing across from the psychologist broke the silence, ‘your head messing with you, there is nothing physically wrong.’


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I spent the next 3 years in and out of the hospital pushing through the pain of being force-fed, but still experiencing worsening symptoms despite following my doctor’s instructions. As time went on I started to doubt my intuition and wonder if maybe this pain was my fault, but deep down I just couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something we were missing. So, what do you do when the people who are supposed to make you feel better only make you feel worse?


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One night, as I laid in bed too nauseous to fall asleep, I overheard my parents talking to my grandfather, a physician at another leading children’s hospital, about how sick I was getting. We were all hesitant to leave the hospital where I was originally treated because it was supposed to be ‘the best,’ but my grandfather explained that no matter how smart or how compassionate a doctor may be, they will never be able to ‘fix’ every patient that comes through their door. All doctors have their own unique knowledge and experience, which they use as tools to address the needs of the patients who come to them for help.

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 He explained that if the patient’s needs match with the doctor’s knowledge and experience, like a screw and a screwdriver, that patient will likely benefit from and succeed through that patient/provider partnership. On the other hand, if the patient’s needs were different, like a nail, for example, the screwdriver may be able to hit that nail into the wood a bit, but a hammer would be a better tool for the job. No matter how amazing that screwdriver is, it isn’t the tool that will be the most successful.

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“You know what mothers really want? Sure, flowers are nice, and gifts are special, but what we want is pretty simple… We want to be seen, and we want to be chosen.  That toy we picked up, the meal we cooked, that late night feed, changing the toilet paper roll and filling up the soap. The appointments we make, the activities we create. The crap we do to keep the day together. We want it to be seen. We want it to be noticed. To be appreciated.

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When we ask for help, and you think it’s nagging, take a second to think we need you. We need you on our team. If you see that mess on the floor, don’t wait for her to pick it up, don’t wait until she loses her sh*t. Help her. She needs you. Change that light bulb when you say you will. Doing what you said you’d do builds trust. Don’t wait until the kids are 18 to go on dates, do it now. See her for her beauty, the laugh you loved, remind her about that thing that made you fall in love with her. See the woman you fell in love with.





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If we fight for your love, we tell you we want cuddles, that we want to spend time with you, that we need you to choose us, take it as a sign that we love you so much and are choosing you. The day a woman stops asking for your affection is the day that means she doesn’t want to fight anymore. See her effort and choose her.





Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 2, 2019

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I have images of my hands reaching up from a tub full of water, scratching and pinching at her neck because she was drowning me in front of my little brother for having to potty during bath time. Other times I had forgotten to wipe the droplets on the toilet seat after jumping out of the water and sitting on it. I have scars on my face from when I would shrug my shoulders in a response to a question she asked.


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She once took a broom and smacked me so hard in the forehead that it began to gush with blood. She asked me to lie and tell my school that my brother hit me with a shovel. I have a scar behind my ear from when I was hungry and looking for a snack in the fridge.  The moment she heard me, she pulled my ear so hard that it split open. When it began to bleed at school one day, the nurses asked over and over what had happened. I said that it was my fault and that I had scratched myself too hard, but they knew I was lying. They called Child Protective Services on my mother.


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A few days later, I came home from school to find official personnel leaving through the doorway. As soon as the door closed, I got the beating of my life. Punching and kicking me she screamed, ‘They are going to take my babies away from me because of you!’ Unfortunately, they didn’t take us away. They just put us in daycare for evenings and returned us for dinner and bedtime.


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My mother didn’t have a job until I was a teenager. I grew up without my father and repeatedly asked where he was. Finally, when I was 14, she told me that she found him and was talking to him in court about providing child support. When we took a paternity test, however, the results were negative. To this day, she still claims he is my father.


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But let’s rewind back a few years to when I was about 8 years old. Although I hated school and can’t say I was very bright, it was the only time I could get away from my mother. I loved weekends because that was when my aunt would take me away. Those were the only happy times I can remember.


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I remember asking him if I could borrow his Walkman, to which he responded ‘Sure, if you let me touch you.’ I wasn’t sure what he meant so I said okay. We were home alone at the time and standing in the kitchen. Right away he turned me around and started caressing my body up and down. From my neck all the way down to my privates. I could hear him breathing heavy in my ear, and I was frozen. I wasn’t sure what was happening. He told me not to tell. I didn’t understand it. I ran away crying, with the Walkman in my hand, as he said he was sorry.


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I knew something wasn’t right but since he was my older brother, I did what he said. Anytime I wanted to borrow something, or needed something from him, he always obliged as long as I let him touch me. He would always find ways to come close and just randomly touch my privates as he was walking by. When I began to develop, these times became more frequent as he always pretended to bump into me and touch my growing breasts.


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As weeks and months went by, it got worse and worse. He would play pretend wrestling with me and my little brother. Whenever he would lift me, he took the chance to touch to my privates. Monday night wrestling would always put him in the mood to wrestle, so Mondays always sucked for me. When I would scream to make him stop, he would get mad at me. He would ask if he could kiss me but I always turned away. Other times he would turn on my light in the middle of the night and put a pillow over my face so no one could hear me cry as he touched me.


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One day, I was sitting on my couch, and my brother came over to bother me. All of sudden, we heard my uncle’s car pull up. He rushed to get off of me and run into his room next to the living room, but my uncle opened the door quickly. My brother pretended to have a conversation with me, but my uncle knew something was up. He looked at me and asked, ‘What is going on?’ I stayed quiet and the conversation ended. That was the last time he ever touched me.


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Even though it ended, I began to realize my behavior. I was always sad and withdrawn from everyone. My bedroom and my music became my sanctuary. Not once did my mother ever try to find out why I was so lonely and sad. I began shoplifting as a teenager and was even arrested for it. I was rebellious and messing up in school. That same weekend, my godfather picked me up and took me shopping. When I returned home, I noticed that my uncle, mom, and brother were all in the living room. On the floor was a smashed table lamp. Everyone was crying.

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Do we bring the stroller? Yes! Why am I even asking myself that? Duh, we bring the stroller. I’m not carrying around all of their carry-on bags once they get sick of holding them. It’ll be really awesome for the first 10 minutes for them, but those things are inevitably going to be tossed aside. Absolutely yes to the stroller.


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Crap there’s a lot of people here. Do this many people seriously fly out this early? Where could they all be going? I’ll send my husband to drop off the bags at baggage check. I’ll sit here with the kids. Okay quick head count…yup, got all five. They’re already whining? Please stop whining. We just got here. Redirect. Redirect. Thank God for snacks.


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That guy over there staring at us does not look kid-friendly at all. Oh look, those people have kids with them. Good to know we’re not the only crazy people on the planet today. Oh that man looks very business professional. I really hope he’s not the one sitting in front of us as my kids kick his seat on accident for the 14th time.

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Smile and nod at the TSA agent. Oh right, you need our boarding passes and licenses. Crap where did I put those again? Don’t panic, don’t panic. You just had them. Oh right, right here in this pocket. Smile and nod, smile and nod. Wait…head count again – one, two, three, four, five. You’re good mama, they’re all here.


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Oh thank you kind TSA sir for not making the kids take off their shoes. You have no idea how many minutes you just saved us. Okay kids, one by one through the little detector. Yup, just walk right through that one. No, that one. Yeah, that one right there that the man is standing in. Go ahead, it’s okay! Yes hunny, you follow your sister. Okay and then you. And you. And you. My turn. Dad’s turn.


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Now grab all of this stuff as fast as you can out of these bins. Ahhh there’s so much stuff and the woman behind me is waiting for me to move so she can grab hers. Shoes on, jackets on, backpacks on. Let’s go guys, we can probably move a little bit faster. Alright, I think we grabbed everything. Do we have everything? Did anything get flagged for search? Nope. Good! Time to go.


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This tunnel always weirds me out. No, let’s not yell kids. It’s not an echo chamber to test. Hiiiii nice flight attendant. Yes, there’s 7 of us. We’re in row 37. Keep walking kiddos, keep going. Nope, keep going. That’s not it either hunny. Keep going, we’re almost there. Yes, hi nice strangers. Yupp, they’re all ours. Hi to you too, nice lady. No eye contact from the gentleman to our left, so let’s hope he likes kids.


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Row 37. Okay you pile in on this side and that side. Please let’s not fight over the window seat. Sister can have it for the first little bit and then we will switch, I promise. Okay, settle, settle. Buckle in your seat belts. Here’s a coloring book, a thing of snacks, and your water bottles. OH SHOOT, we forgot to buy a bottle of water to split between these bottles. Do I ask the flight attendant for water? She looks busy. Uhhh we will just make due for a little while, I guess?

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“My mother was the one person in the world that was supposed to protect me no matter what. Growing up, I used to cry a lot. Sometimes it would get so bad that my grandmother would have to take out the Bible and recite passages in hopes to calm me down. My mother claimed that I was a terrible child and that this was the reason she was abusive. It wasn’t until I was in my 20s that my aunt told me I was a good child, that the reason I cried and cried was not that I was bad, but because of my mother’s neglect.

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My mother never wanted to take care of me. I cried of rashes when my mother refused to change my diaper. I cried when I went to school with messy, knotted hair. I cried when I was beaten and forced into corners for hours without food or water because of a bad grade. When my mother would sit on my stomach and force feed me her crap spaghetti.


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Alright I’m up an extra hour before I need to be because I have to triple check all of the suitcases and carry-on bags. Do I need their birth certificates? I should probably pack those. I’ve already done this before and no one ever asked for them but better to be safe than sorry, right? The last thing I need is to be stuck with TSA trying to prove that all of them are indeed mine or that they are the ages I say they are. Where are those things again? Oh yes, in the lockbox. Okay, one…two….three…four…five. Got them.


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Speaking of TSA, I wonder if they will let us each carry one of the kids or if they’re going to make the kids walk through the detectors. If they walk through the detectors then I better have them wear shoes they can easily take off. Flip flops? But walking around the airport in flip flops with 3 and 4-year-olds is an absolute nightmare. I guess I’ll risk the extra time needed to put sneakers back on.








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I grabbed each of their favorite stuffed animals, a few of their favorite toys, and I packed some dollar store junk they’ve never seen to hopefully keep their attention for at least a little while. I guarantee this only works for an hour tops but that buys me an hour to think of other things to do. Okay now we need snacks, water bottles to fill up there, and medicine in case one of them gets sick or has a headache…check, check, check. Oh, and a change of clothes for each. You just never know. Speaking of, I should probably throw a change of clothes for myself in my bag because again…you just never know.





Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 2, 2019

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My closing thought is this: We are all sisters, we need each other, and we can take care of each other with love, kindness, compassion and care. We are not broken by miscarriage and loss, nor are we defined by grief. We can mourn together in loving solidarity. We as women are living beings and inherently valuable and of infinite worth, regardless of our ability to conceive, carry, grow, and birth healthy human lives. We must find compassion and relinquish control of the things we cannot control, like bodies.


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There were only 2 moments in the last 9 months where I could honestly say that I was lucid enough to understand a semblance of what had happened. One moment was right after the miscarriage; I had the most specific thought: God was Merciful. I knew that He had spared my life in Costa Rica as a battery of different bacteria entered my bloodstream while in Costa Rica.


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The other moment has been writing my story. Snippets of light have entered my mind while lucid thoughts have pieced together the sorrow of loss to make this experience whole. My writing process took place around the time of my potential due date from this last missed pregnancy. I am currently caring for my family, friends, and new followers by teaching wellness practices. I am also learning and writing about bodies and emotions, and all the scientific connections in the small universe of the soul. I love bringing my findings to life, through both practice and writing.”



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“It took four years to escape. I started out in what I thought was the ideal relationship. My boyfriend was perfect. He would do anything for me, and he made me feel great about myself. He helped me in any way he could, but he also helped strangers the same way. Everyone seemed to love him and think he was a great person. No one knew who he really was. If I had known, I would have never moved in with him. It was a gradual change, just slow enough I wouldn’t realize what was happening.


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It began with him always helping with anything I needed – car problems, living expenses, books for college, etc. He always offered to help. This help turned into him being ‘thoughtful’ and helping before I even said I needed anything. When I worked during meal time, he would surprise me by showing up at my job with food. He bought me a phone so we could talk whenever we wanted, which turned into him having to constantly be talking to me whenever we weren’t together. I never thought of these actions as red flags. I was convinced he was just being sweet because he loved me.


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Then one day I found out he had been cheating on me. Somehow he was able to convince me it didn’t really happen and he would go back to being the perfect guy. It became a cycle I couldn’t escape. It started with the perfect guy, gradually turned into the biggest jerk on the planet and then right before my breaking point, huge apologies and back to pretending to be the perfect guy. It took awhile for me to realize it was a cycle. At almost four years of dating, I was able to see who he really was and what was happening. These cycles became shorter and shorter, coming to the point where we fought a lot, and he would always threaten to break up with me. I finally realized he was saying that to get me to stop bringing up our problems.


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I ended the relationship. It was the middle of the semester and my family lived over an hour away. He convinced me to stay there until school ended. He was going to move into his own bedroom, and we were no longer going to act like a couple. I agreed to these conditions. It was going to be the easiest and least stressful decision on everyone. He never moved out of the bedroom. I was drained from the fighting, so I chose to stop bringing it up. He was gone during the week for work anyway, so I could deal with having to be around him a couple days on the weekend. This is when I started realizing a lot of things. I found out he had the neighbor – who was the fire chief he worked under – watching me and reporting back to him during the week. He was trying to control where I went and who I saw. This is when I realized I was in an abusive and controlling relationship, and even though we had broken up, I wasn’t out of it.


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One day he came into the bedroom. He started hugging and kissing me. Next thing I knew, he was trying to get my clothes off. I pushed his hands away, but they went right back. He unbuttoned my pants and was pulling them down. I pulled them back up and told him to stop. He continued pulling on them. I held the waist of my pants in a tight fist. Why does he keep pulling on them? He’s stronger than me – a lot stronger. He picked me up and laid me on the bed. My pants were pulled completely off. I realized then he wasn’t going to stop without having sex. I was in shock. I was confused. Clearly I didn’t want to do this. Maybe somehow it isn’t clear to him. I pushed on his chest as he was on top of me and said, ‘No, I don’t want to.’ Nothing. He’s still doing it. I froze. I thought maybe if I stop fighting he’ll finish faster and leave me alone. I’m still frozen and tears start dripping down my face. This wasn’t the first time he raped me, but it was the first time I couldn’t help but to feel raped.


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The end of the semester came. I was still stuck. My car was in his name. Once the semester ended, he had a reason to need to drive my car to work every week. He would drive me to my parents’ every Sunday before he left for the week, and he would pick me back up on Thursday when he got off. He still had me every weekend. This is when my family started seeing red flags. I still was unable to get him to move rooms on the weekend. I tried sleeping on the couch. He would always pick me up and carry me to the bedroom with him. I learned how to remove myself from sex. Once I realized it wasn’t going to stop, I decided to use it to my advantage to keep the peace because I mentally couldn’t take anymore.


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Telling people what had been going on was the most embarrassing and shameful thing I had ever done. I was scared for people to find out. How dumb was I not to be able to leave the first time something went wrong? I was heartbroken, confused, scared, depressed, and anxious all at once. I was having panic attacks multiple times a day. I even woke up nightly from panic attacks while I slept. These exhausted me. My body was so tired all the time. I was so depressed. I would wish to die in my sleep. My stomach and head always hurt. I couldn’t concentrate to study. I always felt like I was in a dream. Nothing felt real. Every time I was alone I couldn’t control my tears. Every time I slept I had nightmares. I grew to hate my body. Changing clothes and showering became extremely difficult because I absolutely hated seeing my body.