Shootings happen so often these days, and the people who are faced with the horror of it are forever changed. They are never the same person they were before experiencing these kinds of tragedies. If you have a friend or family member that has faced something traumatic, they do not need you to understand what they went through. You can never truly know. But they need you to listen. They need to know that when they are having a hard night and falling apart, reliving it all, you will be there to support and love them.
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Since then, we have chosen to not let HIM win. We win. Love wins. Kindness wins. Since coming home, I have been performing random acts of kindness in honor of the 58 lives lost on October 1st, 2017. The reactions that I have witnessed are truly heartwarming. One small, simple act of kindness can measure miles.
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I know that many other Route 91 survivors are doing the same, not only honoring the 58 victims of the Las Vegas shooting but also the victims of other mass shootings that have occurred since. All we must do in this word is choose kindness. It really is that simple. When days get rough, I remember the words of C. G. Jung: I am not what happened to me, I am what I chose to become.”
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“‘My daughter Scarlett was and still is my everything. I loved and still love (although harder now) being a momma. From the first time I saw her face, I felt like I had found my purpose, now at this moment almost 2 weeks after she died, I feel purposeless. I am floating in this dark pool of grief and the future feels empty, scary and meaningless. I don’t know how to move forward and some days I don’t want to.’
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Scarlett was born October 18, 2016. I was surrounded by loving family members as I pushed her into this world, and as the nurse placed her into my arms. I felt so whole and complete. During her short life of 15 months and 6 days, she was able to teach me more about myself than anyone I have ever met. She taught me how to love endlessly, how to cultivate patience from thin air, and how to hold space for not only a tiny human being, but for myself as well. She herself loved so endlessly and so deeply. She was full to the brim with happiness and loved meeting new people and those people would fall in love with her right away. She was the most determined little human I have ever met and if she didn’t want to do something, she would absolutely not do it, but would return to her joyous, happy self when she got what she wanted. She loved books, animals, and other babies. I could write 100 pages of things, people and, activities she liked. I just love her so, so much. She was the brightest part of my life and even after death, she still is. She was a healthy baby, she got the occasional cold, but she was healthy, until all of a sudden, she wasn’t.
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On January 21, 2018, at 5:00 a.m., my husband and I took Scarlett to the ER with a fever of 103.3. She woke up vomiting and we jumped into action thinking they would send us right home. That she was going to be fine. Well, her fever went up to 104.8 and we were admitted to the children’s hospital in town. As soon as we walked into the hospital the heaviest feeling of dread came over me. I was scared right down to my bones. She had stopped eating and nursing, so they started an IV for fluids, and her fever came down and we thought we were on the up’s. Then Scarlett started having trouble breathing after a day and a half in the hospital, and from there it was a quick slide down. They intubated her at bedside, placed an Intraosseous infusion (IO) in front of us and the doctor called out to the 8 people in the room that just in the few minutes they were getting set up, Scarlett had gotten a lot sicker. Her blood pressure tanked so badly they could not get a reading and her O2 saturation fell to 8%. Normal is 100%-95%. As a nurse and as a mother, watching this happen in front of my eyes, I was completely devastated and paralyzed.
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