”Being a mama has never come ‘naturally’ to me. I don’t mean FEELING like a mama, I mean doing things I’ve always thought mama’s just DID. Before having kids, I based most of my knowledge on parenting around sitcoms, blogs, and the few around me that were already parents. I was conditioned to think that keeping a clean home, cooking healthy meals, play dates a few times per week and staring at a peaceful sleeping babe all day would be my norm. Boy was I in for a reality check!
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Imagine my surprise when my children did arrive. Clutter was piling up everywhere. Dishes weren’t done, laundry was unwashed, we won’t even talk about the state of my bedroom. Those healthy meals? Yeah, turns out my kids are carb lovers and 90% of those meals end up on the floor. The play dates? The exhaustion is real and sometimes it takes hours just to prepare to leave the house. I began to take extra ‘shower breaks’ in which I would allow myself to have a fairly epic meltdown. A meltdown that was private, that both shook me yet also gave me release. Sometimes it feels like my husband has to care for me as if I’m helpless, as if I’m a child. Because sometimes it all became too much and I was left curled up on the couch into the fetal position, barely able to answer a question, let alone care for my kids. Motherhood was NOTHING like anything I’d ever done. And I was not prepared.
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After becoming pregnant with twins, I noticed so many changes in my body, very early on. I began to get stretchmarks at just 11 weeks along. My lower body gained about 10 lbs in one month. Nothing about that pregnancy was easy. My stomach appeared bruised and battered. I remember grabbing my thighs and crying to my husband ‘how am I so big already? How could I possibly get any bigger?’ It took a lot of encouragement and positive thinking to relax about these fears. My 5-foot frame was being stretched to it’s limit and to this day I’m still in awe that I carried two beautiful and healthy baby girls for 37.5 weeks before my scheduled c-section. I had grown accustomed to the changes my body went through, not for one second thinking about the postpartum healing obstacles I would face in the future.
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Fast forward to the birth of my twin girls! Everything went perfectly, we managed to skip the NICU altogether which was one of our biggest fears with having twins. I felt great postpartum. My stomach was a whole different story. It was unlike any postpartum stomach I had ever seen. A week after having my twin girls, my 3-year-old son asked, ‘Mama, what’s wrong with your belly?’ I replied to him, ‘All of my babies have left marks on my belly so that I never forget for a second that I grew them inside of my body, all on my own, and that now they exist with me outside of my body.’ It was in the middle of explaining this to my son that I realized this. I am PROUD of these marks. I am NOT ashamed.
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I began to document my postpartum body in a more in-depth way. I was covered by multiple news outlets. At one point I made the decision to read the comments on my articles and boy was that a bad idea. My skin wasn’t quite thick enough yet. From comments like ‘ewww put that away’ to ‘I’ll never get stretchmarks like that when I’m pregnant,’ I began to feel like maybe I wasn’t cut out for this depth of sharing. It felt like such a deeply personal attack, one that reinforced feelings of shame and disgust with myself. Feelings that had me cringing at my husband’s touch, uncomfortable with sharing the truth of my newly transformed body. Feelings that I had thought I buried.
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