When the shots had finally stopped I knew the shooter was either dead or ran to get away and at that point I felt relatively safe. My friend Katie was starting to panic and freak out. I knew we couldn’t focus on freaking out or crying. I just told her, ‘We can cry tomorrow, but we need to get out of here now.’
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The aftermath was unbelievably difficult. I had to get on a flight back home to Austin the next day. How do you begin the healing process of something you never expected to have to deal with? I was numb, I was sad, I was still in shock, I was confused, still in a daze. Do I go back to work? I had no idea what I needed to do. I sought help in a Trauma Counselor. Lucky for me, I am a 911 Dispatcher so I had great resources to help coping with a traumatic event. I saw Dr. Tania Glenn, the best trauma counselor in the area.
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I saw her for about 7 months. I did Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) which was a great thing to help with constant nightmares. I would have shooting nightmares about 4-5 times a week. I had survivors’ guilt, I was depressed, still very confused. The biggest thing was I knew I had a long road of recovery ahead. Tania talked a lot about being resilient. That is such a HUGE aspect of mentally surviving this shooting. Knowing every day wasn’t gonna be easy. There would be bad days, but I was so resilient to not let this beat me.
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Everyone will deal with things in their own way. A lot of coping mechanisms will work for some and not for others. But one thing is certain, that it will affect your mental health. That’s the untalked part about when a mass shooting occurs. The media covers your shooting for a few days. But that is it. The rest of the world moves on to the next story in a matter of days. But here you are, still feeling lost, depressed, angry, confused, but everyone else moves on. You feel like, it is not in mainstream news anymore so you don’t want to keep bringing it up.
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You start to let it build inside you and act like everything is okay and you are just happy to be alive, when in reality you are struggling, but still do not know what to do. That is a very normal feeling. I don’t think people realize that when they see these news clips, cell phone video, or anything relating to the shooting, that those were real people. People who have to live with these memories forever. And it leads to how do you move forward from something that you think about every hour of every day. It has been almost a year and half since the shooting, and there is not a day that has gone by that I have not thought about that night.
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I was resilient. I still have bad days. I know the signs of depression and PTSD and I am not afraid to reach out for help. Every time I go back to Las Vegas, there is always a somber reminder of that one time I went and almost didn’t come home. I take my nephew to the healing garden. I have that bond with him. I met him on the day I almost died. I want him to go with me to feel at peace and to remember the 58 lives we lost that night. My fellow concert goers – I have begun the process of being a licensed instructor to teach other dispatchers and law enforcement personnel the effects of stress and trauma that it can have on you and how to recognize it. I will be building an active shooter class for dispatchers that will focus on receiving the call and what it is like on the other end and how to survive the aftermath of it. My life changed that night, but it doesn’t have to be for the worst. I want my experience to help educate people on what survivors of these attacks go through. Being a mass shooting survivor is tough because we can work very hard to move forward in a healthy way, but when the breaking news flashes across the screen and you see the next shooting just happened, you are thrown back into the terrible night that you survived. It can be a never-ending cycle, which is why it is so important to take care of your mental health. I became a member of the group you never want to be a part of. I survived the deadliest mass shooting in US history. When hard times arise, so must we. You are not alone.”
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