“My name is Joanna Ahti. In 2016, I was pregnant with my firstborn, Liam. Throughout my entire pregnancy, my cat Pippit would rest on my belly, and follow me everywhere. She was very protective and honestly, she knew I was pregnant before I was. The pregnancy symptom of fatigue had hit me hard, and I would often fall asleep without planning it, just to find her laying on me.
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I hadn’t known I was pregnant, but I have photos of Pippit hugging me like this as I slept while I was pregnant with Liam. I was emotional, exhausted and couldn’t help but fall asleep when I least expected to. I had been four months pregnant, and I had no idea. It was a shock and I was in disbelief.
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In February of 2018, my partner had snapped this photo of Pippit on me as we were watching an episode of This Is Us. Two weeks after he took the photo, I suffered a miscarriage at home. After my Son was born, there was an adjustment period for her, but she always took her catnaps next to us as we dozed off too.
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I look back at this now, and it’s hard to swallow. I often wonder how it was possible that I hadn’t known I was carrying our second child. I was four months pregnant and I had no idea. I had still been breastfeeding Liam, and my cycle had never gotten back on track. I had not experienced any symptoms, and the tiredness I felt, I had assumed was from taking care of my little one. People often make fun of women who don’t realize they are pregnant, but as someone who has experienced it firsthand, let me tell you how possible it truly is.
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I hadn’t known I was pregnant, but I have photos of Pippit hugging me like this as I slept while I was pregnant with Liam. I was emotional, exhausted and couldn’t help but fall asleep when I least expected to. I had been four months pregnant, and I had no idea. It was a shock and I was in disbelief.
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Later on, in the year, Pippit began acting extra protective again. I took a pregnancy test, and I was thrilled to be pregnant with our Rainbow Baby. Unfortunately, at 18 weeks, we found out at a routine Doctor’s appointment, that there was no longer a heartbeat. I gave birth to our Son the next day, and the cause of death was a true knot in the umbilical cord.
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I am currently trying to heal from it, and part of doing so, is writing to let other Mothers that they are not alone. Many women experience loss, and some don’t even tell their partners because they feel ashamed, or like speaking about their loss is taboo. Loss of any child, no matter how many weeks pregnant you were, is still a loss. Your feelings are valid. The loss is hard enough to handle, and many people grieve and cope in their own ways. However, if you feel the need to talk about it, whether it’s to a counsellor or a friend, you have the right to do so. Do not allow people to keep you, your baby/babies, or your story quiet just to make them more comfortable. You are not alone.
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“She looked at me and shoved her finger down her throat in the middle of the hallway of my high school. ‘I know how you’re doing it.’ She whispered, then proceeded to laugh and walk away. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment. How could she know? I was 15 years old and had an Eating Disorder and was cutting myself multiple times a day. I had been caught by a fellow peer. When it started spreading, I pushed my Mother to let me drop out of school. When I told the Dean of Students, he promised me I would ‘be out on the streets, selling my body and doing drugs.’ He didn’t care to ask why I was dropping out or if I was okay. This memory has been engraved into my mind, clear as day, even as a successful 27-year-old wife and mom of two.
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As the years passed, I have struggled with anxiety, depression and my relationship with food. When I was 16 I spent some time in the hospital to learn how to cope with these things. I also saw a therapist on a weekly basis that had said something that resonated with me at a young age. ‘A person spends a lifetime searching for what was once lost in childhood.’
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Somewhere in the mix of these things, I met my high school sweetheart. You see, he loves to fix things. And boy, did I need fixing. He supported me through my dark times, and I knew I needed to start making changes not just for myself, but for my relationship. ‘I know how you’re doing it,’ she whispered, then laughed and walked away. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment. How could she know? I was 15 years old and had been caught.’
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