I’m depressed, I’m more depressed than I can even feel depressed. I have a baby, she’s perfect, people lose babies, or are never able to get pregnant and here I am, what is wrong with me? One day I have to let it out to Jade. I don’t feel connected to Layla, I missed the birthing experience. I missed her first cry, her first look as she entered this world. Every time I see her all I can remember is the terrifying experience of not knowing what was going to happen that day in the hospital, the panic, being scared. The what ifs? What if the nurse didn’t check me then? What if something was wrong with Layla, what if she didn’t make it?
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Baby blues are in full swing. I felt beyond guilty. And on top of all of that I have a two-and-a-half-year-old who needs constant attention. I didn’t feel I got to spend time with Layla the way I did with Dawson. I have a c-section, that won’t heal and hematoma, and shots I have to give myself daily. Where is all the time with Layla to bond? My fiancé just got a new job working out of town a few days a week. I’m home alone with these babies and they are being taken care of perfectly physically, bathed, fed, read to, pictures taken, sleep schedules down. But emotionally I’m a mess, I want to bond with Layla the same way I did with Dawson.
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I don’t know when it changed, I believe it was gradually, but one day I noticed I didn’t have those feelings when I looked at Layla, instead of crying because I missed her coming into this world or all the what ifs of the prolapsed cord, I smiled because I see my mini me, my smiling little girl, my little love bug. All that time I spent worrying about connecting with her perfectly, and now we are inseparable. On top of me and Layla’s relationship changing, Dawson and Layla became inseparable, Jade and I became closer.
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We just celebrated Layla’s big ONE with family and friends. Her birthday theme was the Little Mermaid, same as my first birthday! I can’t imagine my life without either one of my children and even though their births were absolutely different, my connection with them is the same. Happy birthday baby girl, sorry I wasn’t the perfect mommy for a while, but I swear the rest of my life will be devoted to you and your brother.”
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“Twice this week, I have watched an elderly individual, fade into the busy life in which we all live. One man just needed pain medicine for his wife, but the shop assistant simply said it’s in aisle ‘6’. But he struggled to navigate the supermarket and as I watched him go in the wrong direction, I left all my groceries and took him where he needed to go. Today, I watched an elderly man struggle in the heat, who had obviously had a fall with a huge scrape and blood on his leg. He walked past people in the cafe, while he slowly made his way to his car. Not one person stopped. Or looked. Or acknowledged him.
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